Sunday, August 30, 2009
Life...is getting dull and lonely. I often find myself staring out the train windows with music to my ears in deep thought.
Wondering.
Dreaming.
This is not how I had imagined my life to be. What? Worrying about projects? Leadership roles? The fading friendships? Money?...memories? Heeell NO!
The latest assignment I'm doing is the most hectic so far. Me and my group of 3 others have to shoot a 5 min short film. Easy. Yeah that's what I thought at first too! Till the the day came when we finally started shooting. 8PM to freakin' 5.30AM the next day! Had to return all the equiptment by 9.45AM. Attended class at 2PM. Slept like a log till lunch the following day. With just a camera, mike and tripod, we had to capture as many nice shots as we possibly could for the editing stage. Nope. It's not over. On top of this, a got a stuck-up bitchy excuse of a teacher who keeps giving us assignments after assignments after assignments! Like WTH. I'm just gonna do the best I can and tahan till Fri. 2 nights cruise get away. SIGH! Maybe that's what I need. I short break from the WHOLE FREAKIN WORLD!!!
I want to be excited about X'Mas again. I want to feel the rising anticipation as X'Mas draws ever closer. I want to submerge myself in X'Mas tales. I want to But MOST of all I want to share my X'Mas dream with everyone! Everyone whom I call friend. It doesn't matter if you don't call me friend anymore. I whole-heartedly think everyone deserves to enjoy X'Mas. Esspecially this year! Sigh. But no matter what, I can't do it with the current I'm-too-busy-with-shit vibe I'm getting from the team I've strung up. I feel like I'm such a bad leader. I don't even know HOW THE HELL I got the post in the first place! I KNOW what I want, but I don't know how to get it. Totally frustrating.
As I often ponder about stuff everyday, I couldn't help but feel like I'm missing something. And THAT something is some how holding me back. I'm about to write something with ALL my thoughts poured into it.
As I stare at the innocent bliss infront of me everyday, I feel a little left out. Just a little. Left...forever wishing on a faraway star amidst the vastness of space. The memories that haunt etched deep within feelings. Where the gentle caress meets the heart. Meaning doesn't mean anything anymore. Smiles aren't happy. Cuddles are cold. Laughter seems monotonous. Music has no soul. I am left alone. Where the gentle caress meets the heart.
I love my guitar 11:59 pm♥
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Almost lost my life last night. Was out with my army friend till late and was damn tired. Didn't sleep for a little more than 2 days. Was driving. Do the math.
Should have stopped and had a drink or something before continuing. But the crappy late night radio had a part in it too. I'm just glad I live to tell this tale. However, I can't help but think that God put me through it...he also helped me out of it of course. If not, I wouldn't be here. Anyway, I thought that God wanted me to go through this because he wanted me to see something. Something I wouldn't have seen if not for this close encounter. Now I know what they meant when they said that "life will flash pass your eyes" before you're about to die!
It's kind of scary if you think about it.
I saw quite a few things. Moments of life from my past, feelings of longing and a little regret from the present. I'm really astonished and impressed by how much one could see in that short span of a few milliseconds. The visions I saw just made me more confused about what I want. But not to worry, as I have thought about it and have answered some of my own questions. My life's goal cannot be more clearer too.
But all these said, I have also figured out my intended path I wish to tread and I can honestly say that I don't like it one bit. Except the ending. Well, not the ending..ending. But the ending part that's not too close to the ending??? Get it? Haha. Don't expect you to.
In camp doing duty now. Slept through most of it...so yeah...guess it's gonna finish quicker than I expected! For those who have PSPs, you should go play Patapon 2. Helps pass time fast and improves your rhythmic beat. Oh yeah...girls might find the characters in this game really cute...
I love my guitar 8:15 pm♥
Friday, March 27, 2009
It's been a long time since I wrote here. Been rather busy with Army and church. I never thought my new CSM and OC can come up with so many shit for us. But I'm not fretting one bit. Cuz when I look all around me, I realised that I wasn't in this alone or by myself. All of my friends were! Some of the screwed up shit turned out to be quite ok too! I think it's all about the company.
Like if you're doing anything with someone boring or fucked-up, no matter what you'll be doing, you'd be soo screwed. But if you're doing it with someone damn out-going and naturally funny, no matter how sian or ridiculously dumb the thing you have to do is, things will still be bearable! No wonder why even though I kena so many totally crapped up shit this past week, I could still bare with it. Sigh. Just 2 and a half more months...this past week took damn long to past lah!
I love my guitar 2:09 pm♥
Sunday, March 08, 2009
My army term is going to end soon. To some it may seem a long time still. But to other's like myself, it's soon enough.
I love my guitar 9:23 pm♥
Saturday, February 14, 2009
What to do...what to do. I really don't know what to do with me, my life and my feelings. They're all jumbled up, confused at which direction to continue by. I'm sick of trying to live to survive for the future and taking orders from other people and worry about other people or get people into trouble with me.
When can I stop worrying all together?! Worry about how others think of me, worry I won't be able to survive next time, worry I'll end up like a coffee shop uncle, worry about how long I'll still be single and untainted by love from a girl whom I like and don't need to worry about if my friends or family would like her?!?! When can I start living life as it is and learn to not get so affected by the worries of Men? Who knows...maybe a few months, maybe a few years...then again, maybe never. I can't help but feel that God is testing me and I'm failing. Falling with clipped wings.
I'm turning 22 this year, but people say I don't "act" 22. I've to start acting my age! But I don't think it'll be who I wanna be. I wanna be fun, outgoing, spontaneous, smart, cool and I wanna be well to do. But things are so complicated that it's just a fool's dream.
I wanna live...
I love my guitar 12:54 am♥
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
WHOA!!! FREAKING SIAN ARR!!! Lost all my winnings to my cousin and my gambling god of an uncle! Won a little back in the end...but still made a significant lost. And I still owe Dawn $22 for Cafe Cartel!! wth....this Chinese New Year just isn't my year...SIIIIIGGGHHH!!!!!
I really hate feeling poor again...like last year. I swore to myself never to end up in that state ever again. But I can't help but feel a little poor breeze caressing my skin. Like...hair-standingly gross! Exactly 2 weeks more to my next pay...and looking at my books.....[please wait].....AHUH!! I'm actually doing quite ok! Add in the Chinese New Year red packets....and whoalah!! I feel soooo satisfied. haha. But thinking back on the lost I made, I still feel abit of regret. Regret that I didn't keep my cool and kept betting high. Oh yeah....one of my young Aunts said I looked quite cool when I play. As in cool and calm. Not act cool. Though...I have to admit that I couldn't help but act cool abit...since I WAS winning money. But later on, I found out that several of my cousins and aunts also found me cool....cooooool. haha.
Finally decided on a date for the CNY get together. Saturday 6pm. Though some of the main people can't come, like Zac, Randall, Fonz, Jean and Andrew, most of us can and prefer it this way. So sorry guys. Oh it's gonna be a Pot Luck thing. So far, I got:
Andrea - Choc Pudding thing
Tessa - Ayam Bua Klak
Verena - Garlic Bread
Crap...just realised...my name's not in there. *snigger**snigger*...haha.
Check this song out musicians will def like this song -> For You Blue [The Beatles]
I love my guitar 11:54 pm♥
Monday, January 26, 2009
For a first in a long while, I went to church early today. Took a whole box of oranges home. Well...NObody wanted it!!
Anyway, mass was as usual. Don't really feel anything significant anymore. Is this bad? Is it my fault? Why is it that I sometimes feel that I blame myself for everything...though it's only PARTly my fault? Why am I still single? Is it also my fault? And when credit comes my way...someone else is always there to share it with me!
Went to my maternal grandmother's place for Lunch and a little game of 21. At first, didn't dare be the banker and almost lost about $10. Then I decided to give it a try! You know...since I was already that screwed, might as well give it a try! I ended up breaking even and at the end of the day, I even managed to win a little! I couldn't help but feel accomplished...and I was certainly acting the part. Cuz one of girl cousins was there...she wasn't pretty or seemed interesting...but she was the best there...sadly. I think I ended up winning all her money..haha.
Oh...I wore my new vertically-striped-long-sleeved-but-folded-to-elbow shirt with my slim jeans. And did I look good! To all who saw me today...did I look good or what?! I mean not to sound stuck up or anything. It's just that for me....every small appraisal goes a long way...and I really cherish every single praise I get! Wierd huh? Well...that's me for you.
Why is true love so hard? I think I answered that in my previous entry. It's cuz if you manage to get it, it's an everlasting accomplishment! And you'll cherish it more! Imagine if you're able to get this girl damn easily...like she fell for you too easily. You won't feel as much for her as one who's damn difficult to get. But after you get the difficult one, you know you're already a better guy. Think about it.
Favourite song now -> Just Dance [Lady GaGa]
The groove is just head-bangin' killer! Go check it out.
For those Rock'n'Roll dudes. Check this out -> Jimmy Olsen's Blues [Spin Doctors]
I love my guitar 11:59 pm♥
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Not being able to enjoy a totally fine Saturday for me is like....having everything you want in life..but you can't enjoy them cuz you're paralysed on a hospital bed somewhere. But what's MORE screwed up is not being able to enjoy a perfectly fine Saturday...cuz I'm in camp!....Alone!....WTF!!
People are still not getting back to me regarding Jubilate's CNY get together. This is difficult. Seriously. And I don't know what's wrong or what's going on out there. I feel so caged up. So restricted. I wanna do something...but I can't. AND I DON'T KNOW IN THE FREAKIN' HELL WHY!!!! AAAAARRGGGGHHHH!!!! You know...it's only when you're alone can you truly TRULY think and ponder? Think about it...
45mins later...
Ok. People are responding. But now the problem is...not everybody can make it on the same day! Some prefer 27th...others 31st...and apparently, a hand full just don't know what to say! Is there like a difficulty nob on life? Cuz I'd really like to put it to "Easy" for a change! haha. But I'd also like a challenge every now and then. Cuz life will be so meaningless and monotonous without obstacles and problems. Also, without challenges and difficulties, we can never ever accomplish ANYthing! I mean if we don't go through the grueling exams, then what the hell are we gonna put in our resumes?! So yeah...I'm definitely not complaining....just ranting.
Sigh....WHEN IS MY DUTY GONNA END!!!!
I love my guitar 12:23 am♥
Friday, January 23, 2009
Had a half day off to go to SGH for my physiotherapy...and now I'm finally back! Have leave till Wed this coming week too! Long weekend here I come!! Huzzah!! Huzzah!! wait...wait...oh crap. I've got COS duty tomorrow! what....the....hell...man....haha. But at least I get to spend Chinese New Year properly...as in with no need to book in to camp!
During the past week, I've been working on 2 songs...both originals. My army mates all say they're really not bad...some gave them 8/10 and above! Jean and her friend gave it 8-9/10. And that's coooool...haha. Well, everyone liked my originals except ONE. My irritatingly-musically-inclined-critic Army jamming buddy. But I've got to say, it was partly cuz of all his merciless comments which led me to keep improving on my songs till they're what they are now. So thanks man...
Trying to plan something for the gang this Chinese New Year. Hope everything goes well...
I love my guitar 5:20 pm♥
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Went to Nanyang Polytechnic today to help out in the ushering. Cuz I'm such a nice guy.
It was really an interesting experience for me as I expended my knowledge of bridging the awkwardness that exists between two strangers. Be it boy or girl. And I've found out that most...most...people will actually open up and try to get along. This has improved me in my position as Social Welfare...person...in Jubilate. But through this lesson, I've also learnt that I still cannot smile for crap. What a god-gives-and-god-takes moment huh...damn it.
Anyways, I've been pondering and guessing...then thinking and guessing...then dreamt and wished...then thought and reflected...and now I've finally decided. Sadly, it's not going to be how I want things to be. It never has. And might never be. Some things are just not meant to be. Others are just...others. It's just so mixed up and hard to understand only cuz it's not what I want.
I've to be the dude I wish I was. Cuz the dude I am now...sucks. Sigh. How Now Brown Cow?
I love my guitar 11:49 pm♥
