Tuesday, December 02, 2008
My 13 days-long off is ending soon. I've to book in tomorrow night actually. Sigh. I planned to spend this long off differently. So differently. I'm not suppose to feel like I've just wasted a perfect...long break from the Army...from the world. I was suppose to spend every single day wishing every single day wouldn't end. But I guess you can say it wasn't meant to be. I guess you can say we were just not fated. Sigh. So how now little brown cow? All our meaningful plans which were meant to blossom into one of our most unforgettable times together...just faded into nothing...not even memories. I was suppose to go back to camp not regretting anything. Not feeling a sad sense of lost. Not feeling like life has no meaning again.
And there you thought it was the right thing to do.
But apparently, it wasn't. At least I will admit that it wasn't the right thing for me.
Then again, maybe this is all just crazy talk. Maybe all I need is a hug. But definitely not from a guy or anyone of my female friends. It just wouldn't feel right (no offense to you girls...it's not you, it's me). Not even a hug from anyone of my family or God even, can warm my heart again. I just don't know anymore. I don't know what to look forward to nowadays. I don't know how to cheer my lonely self up like I used to.
Weekends aren't that...colourful...anymore. The things I do...I used to have so much motivation to do them. I guess none of you guys will ever understand, not even when you say you've been through so much more than me. Know why? Cuz you're not me. And you'll never be. And yes, the whole world has gone through so much more and yet here it still is right?? But there are also people who freakin' killed themselves over lesser things! So where do I belong?
I belong to a special minority in this world. A minority who feels like we got the bad end of a deal and like we were misunderstood and now...we're suffering for it. Suffering cuz we had hoped so much that it was really for the best that what ever happened..happened...but now it doesn't seem like it. Now it seems so wrong and we're just feeling so terrible inside that we can't do fucking SHIT about it!!!
Sigh. Where is all the mercy...I think we need some right now.
I'm suppose to hang out with a couple of the guys tomorrow. But looks like I can't even do that! I've to freakin' book in tomorrow night...and if SHIT like this continues to happen to me, I'll be further apart from my friends as well for goodness sakes!! omfg...I need a smoke. I really need at least one now.
Where's this girl that's supposedly out there for me??? Oh would I even freakin' bleed for her right now. Just to hear her say those three heart-melting words.
I'm so pathetic aren't I....sigh
I love my guitar 11:34 pm♥
